WITH VIDEO

Round and Round

This is the story of why I don’t go on fairground rides. It took place in 1997 in Totnes, Devon and I take this opportunity to apologise to all those who may have been caught up in it!

I don’t go on fair rides
They stir up my emotions
My body literally concedes
When faced with all that motion
It’s not just hypothetical
Its cold and solid fact
So here’s a cautionary tale
A tale of great impact
My last and final fairground
That taught me I should never
Climb aboard the chair-o-planes
In my life again. Not ever!

I’m excited to be here
In Totnes with my mates
Right down by the River Dart
Walking through the gates
Of the mighty Rowlands Funfair
Devon’s finest rides
All at bargain prices
Laughing with my friends
Just minutes from a crisis
First we grab a hotdog
Candyfloss and cider
Then we ride the bumper cars
So happy to collide and
Be with people that I like
These people I confide in
We’re having such a laugh
The atmosphere’s exciting me
We queue up for a ride
With Luke and Ben and James
I climb aboard with Luke
Aboard the Chair-o-planes
We sit and wait a while
For the whole ride to fill
Ready for adrenaline
Ready for the thrill
And then we feel the motor
Start to move us round
Our increasing momentum
Lifts us slowly from the ground
And as we start to fly
I see the rides below
I see the crowds around us
The acceleration grows
We arc across the sky now
The fun should come so easy
But enjoyment slips it’s mask
And now I start to feel queasy
Round and round, we build up speed
Just like a salad spinner
All that centrifugal force pulling at my dinner
Luke grinning at me quizzically says
Rich are you alright
And I try to keep my eyes ahead
But I’m going to lose the fight
And my face is getting greener
And the tension starts to rise
My mouth a dam about to burst
A rising flood inside
Still we’re spinning faster
Please let us start to slow
I close my eyes and realise
Oh god! It’s going to blow
And like a liquid rainbow
I surrender to the flow
A spinning vomit fountain
Drenching the crowd below
Nobody can escape it
There is no place to hide
From this gruesome sprinkler system
As it empties my insides

So I don’t go on fair rides
They stir up my emotions
My body literally concedes
When faced with all that motion

I don’t go on fair rides
I haven’t since that ride
Because food is so much better
When it stays on the inside

With thanks to Julian Greenbank for making the video

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